Someone once asked me at the height of my depression, “what do you truly want above all else?”. At the time I couldn’t function outside of my head long enough to give the question much thought. Now, I can reflect now. I want freedom. Freedom away from my depression, freedom to create a life I’ve always dreamed of, freedom to allow myself a space to endlessly create myself no matter how many times i need to do so.
i used to take being free for granted, i assumed i would always have the carefree spirit i had growing up and in time it was stripped away from me but i never stopped searching for it. whether i searched for it in every person who crossed my path or tried to find it within myself. i’m still searching and i’m almost positive i will be searching for that sense of freedom my entire life.
i find that people don’t understand the term free. i don’t want to run away from my life or my responsibilities. i just want to inject some happiness that lasts longer than a few days. the last year has been tough – mentally and emotionally. it has quite literally been the worst year of my life and that is not an exaggeration. i have had to dig deep within myself to find a morsel of happiness to focus on so i could get out of the bed everyday.
i have been slave to my depression, a slave to a disease i have no control over, it has stolen everything from me especially my freedom but the bright side is, i’m one step closer to feeling free today than i was yesterday.