Every time I attempt to sit down at my desk and reflect on what 2018 has meant to me I end up needing a glass of wine and a few moments to collect my thoughts – and by that time I never come back to the blank document that’s waiting for me. Like I have tried to write this post for 14 days, that is how bad I’ve been procrastinating.
I guess to sum up 2018 would be – brutal. 2018 kicked my ass and to be honest i’m still shook that I made it out alive – i don’t say that to be flippant but seriously, i question how i managed to stay strong for 12 months when it felt like i was dying for 8 months of this year. There were moments where I contemplated just ending it all because I was tired, tired of struggling, tired of hurting and most of all tired of being me. I went through the ringer personally, professionally and mentally and while I had an amazing therapist who was able to talk me off that ledge and get me to really see the beauty this life has to offer I am not ashamed to admit that 2018 was not my year. My yearly Facebook post popped up and it said, “2017 broke me, 2018 will put me back together” tuh. 2017 I will look back and think of fondly, 2018 however was the year that broke me into pieces and I believe 2019 will be the year that slowly begins to put me back together.
Over the last year I have been so open with my mental health struggles and I talked about how 2018 was the loneliest year for me by far. I spent roughly 6 months alone in my apartment and while i can now sit back and reflect on how good those 6 months ended up being for me it also made me realize that i’m allowed to fall apart and break down and by doing so it doesn’t make me weak. So here are the quick lessons I’ve learned during my year of hell.
- The grass isn’t greener on the other side
- You don’t have to walk this world alone – its okay to depend on people
- Do all things with love
- Therapy may be expensive but it will save your life 10x over