I used to scream up and down for anyone who would listen how I would never allow myself to become the toxic person in a relationship – friendship or otherwise and after spending much of 2018 unpacking and working through the negative sides of myself with the help of my therapist (bless her) I began to realize how toxic I was.
It’s safe to say that having to dig that deep within yourself is hella uncomfortable and then realizing that you are indeed that toxic is fucking hard. It’s a truly uncomfortable starting point to be forced to humble yourself and acknowledge that you are not as great as you believe and that the people who are calling you toxic may be right.
I remember being called toxic like it was yesterday because it didn’t hurt me – it angered me. I went on the attack because for the first time ever someone had the nerve to bring light to my biggest weakness – my toxicity and instead of asking questions and working on understanding where they were coming from I went low and hurt them.
People have always said, “hurt people, hurt people” and while I still believe that saying holds weight it has also been a crutch that I’ve depended on for far too long. I have mommy and daddy issues up the wazoo and because of that I have always used those issues to give myself permission to hurt those who wanted to love me and that my friends, is recognizing how toxic I was.
My therapist has been on the receiving end of my breakdowns/lash outs, specifically when she works her way through the stories of past friendships and relationship that have come to and end she reminds me that I have played some part in their demise. How is that for a feel good therapy session? It’s in those sessions where I’ve realized how detrimental I was in my own progress. How was I going to get better and learn to be whole if I couldn’t work through what made me weak?
So in closing, I wrote a letter to those I’ve burned:
To the friends I’ve lost and the men I couldn’t love because I wasn’t whole:
I apologize if I ever was a toxic person in your life, I’m maturing more everyday, correcting my wrongs and slowly but surely becoming a better version of me.