Did you know that…
Depression in the United States…
With that being said, I wanted to give an update on where my head has been at. Depression is a tricky disease – and yes, it is a disease. It is not something you turn off or on at the drop of a hat, it is something you continuously live through and something you hope to make it through every.single.day. Depression has shaped me – negatively and positively.
My battle with depression has given me a purpose – a reason to fight against the stigma, ESPECIALLY within my own community and family all while continuing to speak out because I am living proof that depression doesn’t always win and opening up and allowing people into the most vulnerable space can help. I haven’t tried to kill myself in over 10 years BUT the thought is always present. I am always wondering ‘why’.
Why do I have to keep fighting to stay?
What am I fighting for?
Would I be missed if I died?
Those morbid thoughts never leave the darkest part of my mind but boy am I proud I have never acted on it because there were times when the world got so dark I could feel myself wavering, ready to accept that I no longer had the fight to keep going. Depression plays mind tricks, it makes you feel so alone in this world that dying feels gratifying.
I am constantly fighting against such a silent killer but I am determined to win, determined to not give into the thoughts that sometimes plague me.
Why do I keep fighting to stay? I fight for the people who love me, the people who are in my corner constantly lifting me up and showing me this world is better with me in it.
What am I fighting for? The 18 year old girl who tried to kill herself in her high school bedroom but called the suicide hotline instead. I’m fighting for her because she has survived for 10+ years so far and nothing is so bad I cant rise above it.
And finally, who would miss me if I’m gone? The people who’s lives I’ve touched, some I know and some I don’t. My family and friends who love me, my husband who loves me even on the days I don’t feel deserving of it. Those are the people who would miss me, but more specifically – my children of the future, the ones I tell my story to, the mini Breana’s who need to understand how things got dark but their mom didn’t give in, she fought the good fight so that she could see how beautiful the other side is.
So Ill leave you with this – it may be dark right now, the world may feel bleak and you may feel like you’re drowning but keep fighting because there’s soo much goodness on the other side and its beautiful.