I tried writing this blogpost FOUR TIMES and couldn’t find the energy it needed. Don’t you hate that? When I have all the time in the world my thoughts aren’t coming to me but when I’m hella busy and trying to tackle my never ending to-do list all of sudden the words are pounding in my brain begging to be let out so here we are.
When I was fourteen and a very sweaty, nervous freshman I sat down in my Latin class and proceeded to learn a very dead and very old language. I am now 28 and literally can’t remember a lot of what I learned unless someone needs the root of an SAT word but I digress, I remember hearing the words, ‘amor vincit omnia’ and of course there was some big lesson surrounding how people got the interpretation wrong but in my 14 year old head I knew that would for sure be my first official tattoo – it wasn’t. It was actually my 3rd but no matter, the words remained the same.
Love Conquers All.
What in the hell did a fourteen year old girl know about love? Nothing, absolutely nothing. If we’re honest I knew even less about love when I first fell in love. It was overwhelming and exciting and brand new and I didn’t have the healthiest outlook on it. I always believed that love never dies, people love you through everything – even if you are selfish, self centered and just genuinely unlikable and that was who I was for the six years I was involved with my first love. I’m sorry by the way.
I wish I could lie and pretend I was the best version of myself but I promised my therapist I would be transparent. I did a lot of screwed up things and even still he loved me BUT what I learned when that relationship ended (it was all my fault) I am absolutely no good to any man or woman if I can’t love myself first.
So, to my 14 year old self: you won’t always be bitter, angry and unloving. I promise. And while you don’t know much about what love is here is what your 28 year old self knows for sure – love does conquer all – self love that is. I believe that my best and strongest relationship is the one I am cultivating with myself. We are no good to anyone else until we’ve worked on and built a sturdy foundation within ourselves because in the end,
how you love yourself is
how you teach others
to love you.