Living and navigating life through the highs and lows of depression is a tricky thing. The highs make feel as though I am soaring and there is nothing that could sink me and then the lows sneak up on me and its as if I’m drowning with my hands outstretched and there’s no one there to pull me aboard.
I was sitting down with a group of high school students and one guy in particular asked me how it feels to hit rock bottom more than once and I can remember having to clear my throat and try not to cry because its hard to articulate something like that – how do you explain to someone that hitting rock bottom is terrifying, its getting so low after flying so high you’re questioning your mental toughness and your will to live through this stage, again. Why am I not strong enough to beat this? Why does this keep happening? Why is my brain broken?
Depression has robbed me of so much joy and every time I hit rock bottom I have to remind myself of that joy – the joy of seeing my moms face as I walk through the door, the laughter I bring to my work office, the love I give to my partner even when I feel so unlovable. Its constantly reminding myself that I am not a tiny blip – I matter, my life matters and there are real people who would be affected by my choice to take my own life. I have to sit down and get real with myself because no matter how hard those tough days get and believe me, they are hard, I deserve to live this life. I deserve to find my slice of happiness and hold on tight because I am by no means broken and my brain is working just fine. I am just wired a little differently and I am at the point in my life where that is a-okay.