There has always been a very *fine* line between being honest and being a little too blunt/truthful but that is the real reason I created this space – a space to allow myself the freedom to type the things I feel and offer a sense of connection with like minded people who are feeling or have felt the same things I have felt.
I have always wanted to write about the subject of ‘Daddy Issues’ because it was something that came up often in therapy – finding my triggers and linking them back to my childhood trauma. Honestly, talking about childhood trauma is kind of hard, I don’t want to make it seem like I’m not grateful for my life and the love my moms provided for me but there was always a piece missing inside me. There was this uncontrollable anger that leaked out of me like gasoline and it only took one spark to set me off – I mean, I broke my moms China cabinet by punching through it, i was yoked up on my older sisters wall for getting blackout angry and going after my cousin for no reason and I am sure there are 100 other angry moments I can name but I’d rather not.
The unimaginable anger that was living inside of me could be chalked up to me missing a piece of myself but it took long conversations and a lot of tears with my therapist to understand what part of myself was missing and if it was something I could get back and if I honestly wanted that piece of myself back. The answers were…
I was missing love – even though i had the love of both of my moms and i thought that was enough until it wasn’t. I found myself getting jealous of the girls who had these solid relationships with their fathers while I was struggling to find mine. I was missing this vital piece of myself and I couldn’t process those emotions and instead of working through them I became this angry person people rarely wanted to spend time with. I can count the amount of relationships I burned spending so much time being angry at the world – my big sister from the big brother big sister program, my high school love and so on.
I was bitter Breana who spent so much time hating herself because she couldn’t process how someone who helped create her didn’t want her. It was easier to set the world ablaze than to look inside myself and find the root cause of it all.
Two years ago I sat down with my therapist and we found out that my anger stemmed from my misplaced feelings of love – i equated my self worth with the love i didn’t get from my absent father. I latched on to people who could love me more than i loved myself and whew, i felt seen. I’ve been putting in the work with my therapist and it is safe to say I am no longer searching for “the love of my father” because I am learning how to love myself enough to never need that sort of validation again.
I’m no longer angry at my father. In fact, I forgive him and most importantly I forgive myself for ever doubting that i am worth being and feeling loved. My daddy issues no longer have daddy issues and they damn sure no longer have a hold on me.